This will be a series of blogs within my blog. I grew up dirt poor, with low self esteem, constantly trying to find meaning and self worth through other people and was hurt by so many in that attempt. It started snowballing more and more every year, over-investing myself in everyone around me trying to ignore my own growing depression, anxiety, and desperation, until finally, I had completely left myself behind. I am still in a "recovery" faze right now, it takes a long time. I didn't even really understand what was wrong with me, I just knew I was already so tired of living, felt old and had quit planning for a future because I didn't feel like I could go on long enough to make any plans (in my twenties!).
Completely against being medicated took me on a much better road with long term changes, not band-aids or chemical dependencies. My best piece of advice for anyone in this position (I know there are many of you out there), start a book about you, just for you, not the people in your life or their story, everything has to be about you. It's like a journal but a little more in depth so you can actually break down your life into moments, needs, wants and find out what must change. Page one should be a list of YOUR favorite things. Sounds easy right? Not so much, if you've started living for everyone else in your life this can be a helpful first step. If you must sit and put active thought into figuring out what your favorite foods, colors, activities, movies, etc.., chances are pretty good we have some things in common.
Here are some ideas that I used to help me get started.
What is your favorite...
1. breakfast food (something that if you bought it would make you eat a good breakfast everyday)
2. color combo you find most peaceful and where is it in your home?
3. thing to do on your day off that makes you not mind so much going back to work the next day (like your paycheck is actually giving you more that the basics for living)
4. "me time" activity (if you have a hard time answering this one you are not alone, but it's really the most important question and SHOULD be the easiest to answer)
5. song that makes you sing out loud no matter where you are
6. "nobody's watching" dance move ( if you need helping finding one dance with Ellen, I do)
7. place where no one can find you for one hour and the last time you actually went there
8. fruit (being able to answer this one can be a key to healthy living in more ways than one)
9. friend to just sit and talk to about everything or nothing
10. physical quality and last time you showed it off
I had a really hard time asking these things of myself, but I did and found I had no answers. Anyone would lose their excitement for life if they weren't living and I wasn't. I was buying only the food that I knew everyone else enjoyed, so there was never anything I really enjoyed eating in the house. I figured that was fine, I would just not eat, maybe lose some weight (that back fired ) and destroyed my metabolism. Then I realized I couldn't stand the color combos in the house we bought, I had no space I just felt at peace in. I was hating myself and my job because I was spending every bit of my paycheck on everyone else. I would always take other people shopping but never really bought any pretty clothes or anything I wanted. I gained weight and just felt defeated. Like the only purpose for me existing was just to help other people, almost as though if I helped other people enough I would finally hit a point where it would either finally be my turn because they were going to be okay, or get too tired to go on anymore and give up completely. I'm still trying to find my favorite "nobody's watching" dance move but I've actually been having fun and smiling in the attempt. The beauty of this list, if you let yourself make it, is those who can't answer are the ones who need to put in the time and effort to find out why. Why don't you know what your favorite things are? It's because you never do them! You quit playing, quit living and quit loving yourself enough to have equal say in you own life. Start with one thing a day and if you can't answer go out and try some new things, find your answer, it starts a chain reaction, I promise. Never forget that you only get one chance and none of us know when it's over.
Sandy :0)
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